Did you become your childhood dream?

In the Western world, we’re so obsessed with individualism and uniqueness. We tell our kids, ‘You can be anything you want.’ and ‘Aim high’. It’s good in a way because it gives people a sense of freedom and inspires ambition. But on the other hand, it sets kids expectations too high and most people invariable […]

Alive and Still Boating

They think me dead…but not so! It is I, Byrav! I know, faking your death is a bit old-fashioned nowadays, but I have quite a stash of money outside my estate that’ll do quite nicely until I’m actually dead. In the meantime, I just wanted to see how people would react once they know I’m […]

Here in Melbourne…Which is Heated, I Guess

Of all the places to emigrate, I had to choose Melbourne. The ducted heating is alright, I suppose. Lots of weird sculptures, the coffee is excellent and there’s a big ferris wheel thing I’d like to have a go on at some point, just to say I’ve done it. But otherwise I’m not sure why […]

Come to Jandakot, We Have Play Centres!

Being appointed head of tourism for a sleepy hamlet. Not really how I thought my evening was going to go, but my motto is always making the best of things. Best get stuck in! I’ve been going along to Jandakot council meetings for a few months now. It’s so quiet here, there’s not usually much […]

Me, My Air Conditioner, and Dave

It’s that time again. It’s that time of year when I can’t help but look at my pasty white skin in the mirror and ask why. Looking at this map of the world and the skin colours that occur in different regions, I seriously question the logic of colonialism. I am the whitest person I […]

The Net Fiend’s Last Job…

Argh, foiled in my humanitarian plot! I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for that meddling amateur detective and his inexplicable canine companion! I did what I did for the best reasons. I have nothing against tennis, elderly people, sports netting or Keymore’s sporting scene in general. I stole those nets […]

Professional eavesdropping

Okay, I’ll admit it, I’m a chronic eavesdropper. I know it’s probably a massive invasion of people’s privacy, but I can’t help it. I just like to listen, and, I’m going to be honest here, to gossip. I am an enormous gossip. It’s kind of like a curse, really, and most of the time it […]

Mystery in the garden

Standing there watching the team tear up this family’s garden and throw it into the back of their truck was heartbreaking. I was visiting a potential investment property which had recently gone on the market. I had been renting for some time but had finally saved up enough buy a house. It was eerie to […]

Life On a Houseboat

Sometimes I wish I lived on a houseboat. Most of the time, that’s because some idiot is blaring his music downstairs at 2am and I want to put my foot through his roof in an effort to let him know how inconsiderate that is. It’s really inconsiderate, in case you were wondering. With a houseboat, […]

Videography, for My Own Harmony

I just got back from possibly the worst self-help seminar in the history of forever. It was supposed to help us deal with our severe anger issues by teaching self-acceptance, but all it really achieved was making me want to punch the speaker right in his stupid flat nose. ‘Describe yourself in five positive words!’ […]